This Hotel of Mine

Today is one of those oh so common days where I should just shut the hell up. I need to learn how to check people in by learning a series of blinks. Blink once for smoking, blink rapid succession for 3 minutes non-smoking. I'm aggravated today, so I thought of this.
DO's an DON'Ts for checking into a hotel. You never know what will happen if you are nice to the front desk clerk and the housekeeping/maintenance.
Here are some hotel do's and don'ts that will get you a room where you want it and how you want it.

Don't : Tap. Tapping on the desk is the first way to get your ass put farthest away from where you want to be. It will also guarantee your checkin to last 20 minutes.

Do: Be friendly to your check in person. We've been standing for approx. 8 hours and a friendly face is one we'd like to see. This is especially true if checkin person is very friendly themselves. Don't frown.

Don't: Spell everything when you make a reservation. "Hello my name is Joe J-o-e Smith S-m-I-t-h. I live at ONE TWO THRRRREEEEE Main M-a-I-n street. That's New York N-e-w y-o-r-k New York (NY) 10035" (they always rush the zip code) Unless you have a very complicated name like Zybrynszxyiesth, I think I can manage. I always spell my last name because it is COMMONLY misspelled. But unless you have had this problem your whole life Mr. Zxykrzuipblbbly, I probably don't need it spelled for me.

Do: Tip your housekeeper. Those folks work their asses off, and a little tip is always appreciated. Not only that, I dare any of you to bend over a bed for 8-10 hours a day and make beds. It's a hard job, and it's especially hard when working alone.

Don't: Approach the front desk clerk and announce your name. I don't care who you are you rude asshole. Be polite. "Hi, I'm Mr. Zxykrzuipblbbly and I'd like to check-in." That's a nice way. Here's a nice way to sleep on the couch: "Zxykrzuipblbbly."

Don't: Follow me around. Even though I'm behind a desk, every time I move to one side or the other, customers are compelled to follow me. STOP FOLLOWING ME, I'M TAKING ONE STEP. Either that, or they'll watch me make the keys like it'll make some difference. Guess what, you'll see your room number in 3 fucking seconds.

Don't: Try to look down my blouse. I will call the cops.

Do: Know what you want when you want it. Don't call me and say, "Hi, I'd like a reservation for.... Well, I don't know the dates. But can you tell me the rates?" Know when you want to stay, and have your Credit Card ready.

Don't: Stand to the side of the desk. Not all front desks are a solid front desk, some are an L shape. Don't stand at the part where you can see my screen. I have Credit Cards on here, and it is NOT okay for you to see them. Plus it makes you nervous. Would you like your boss standing over you all day watching your every move? I didn't think so.

Don't: Ask me to say your room number. We cannot say your room number out loud. Would you really want us to? Everyone in the lobby knowing your room number? I think not. Not only that, we cannot tell you what room your buddy is staying in, so when we instruct you to pick up the house phone, don't roll your eyes or tell me you're his own mother. I don't care.

Do: Your research on your awards programs. If you get Redi Points, Comfort inn benefits, Hilton Honors, or Priority Rewards, read what the hell you're signing up for. Do not ask me if it has a discount that comes with it. You should know or not. SO STOP ASKING ME.

Don't: Be impossible. Lets say you book a room with a hotel that does not have a restaurant attached. Don't expect room service. Get your ass up and get to the restaurant next door. Don't always assume though, that if a hotel does have a restaurant, it will have room service. Which brings me to my next one:

Do: Know the brand you are staying with. If you are staying at a Red Roof Inn (for those of you on the west coast, it's shitty, but worse than motel 6) know that you are going to get what you pay for. You pay $39.95, you get $39.95. If you are staying at a Comfort Inn, and you are paying $79.00 you will get 79.00. Room service doesn't come with economy brands. Learn this, asshole.

Do: Tell me if you have AAA, AARP, Priority, Hilton Honors, Redi, Choice, any of that shit BEFORE I tell you the rate. Also, know that not all rooms are AAA savvy. Sometimes AAA only allows so many rooms to be used under that rate. DEAL WITH IT. And one more on this: NOT ALL STATES ARE TAX EXEMPT. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME. I'M AN EMPLOYEE, I DO THIS EVERY DAY. I KNOW THE RULES.

Don't: Trash your room. It's no fun to clean up after you anyway, so don't trash the room. If you do throw up on the carpet, or trash the room, TELL US. Alright, so we're a little pissed, but at least give us a chance to clean the carpet before it gets crusty and we have to replace it.

Do: Steal the shampoos and soaps and little bits of stuff. You pay for those in your room rate. Surprise, like I said before, you get what you pay for. You want a S39.95 room? Then don't expect anything but soap and towels. Got shampoo, they are yours, you paid for them, so take them!

Do: Tip the driver of the courtesy shuttle, if this applies to the hotel. Tip him well, too, because he is the one that determines if you go where you wanna go.

Do: Be polite to Housekeeping if you see their cart in the hall and run into them. Say hello. Again, these people are the ones who can put itching powder in your sheets, be nice to them.

Don't: Listen to Oprah. Ok listen you freaks, just because oprah said so, you don't need 4 sets of sheets and 2 new blankets and all new pillows and pillowcases (swear to god people ask for this shit). Unless you are staying at aforementioned shitty $39.95 hotel, its okay to sleep on the sheets we provide. It's a hotel. It's what we do. You don't take your own food to a restaurant and cook it do you?

Do: Figure out how to set your fucking clock. Wake up calls are a courtesy. It's a pain in the ass. WAKE YOUR ASS UP JUST LIKE YOU DO AT HOME. And if you do set a wake up call, no need to tell us your room number, since you've forgotten it and want to studder your way through figuring it out. We see it on our phones. And if you do set a wake up call, KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WANT BEFORE YOU CALL.

Do: Get your ass on mapquest and figure out where you're going.

DO NOT: Call me from some wierd ass place and say "I'm lost." If I ask you, ok, what's around you, don't say, "I see a car. And there's a tree on the other street." If you do get lost, call me, and explain to me in detail what is around you. I will get you where you need to be. If I do get you to the hotel safely, a Thank You is nice. So many people have been lost in fucking boofoo and I've gotten them here safely, and the only thanks I get is "Christ, why is your hotel in such a shitty place?" or my favorite, "God, this place is impossible to find. You should really do something about that." Thanks, it was, of course, MY idea to put the hotel here.

Don't: Bitch about everything that happens to you. Understand, there are 100+ rooms in most common hotels, and something is bound to go wrong. Don't demand your money back just because you can't find your remote. And if something major does go wrong, be calm about it, don't be a dick. We will fix the problem as soon as we can, and we'll compensate for it. Calm the fuck down.

Parents, Don't: Let your kids run around the lobby. This is a business, not a daycare. And there are people here who want to sleep. This goes for teenagers too. Stop walking around in your pajamas because you think it's cool and get your ass back to your room. Get your ass to sleep. You don't need ice. Get back to bed.

If I go out of my way to do something for you, DO tip me or say thank you. A nice thank you is nice, but if i've just cleaned up the shit your little kid left in my bathroom, 5 bucks wouldn't hurt.

Don't: Bitch at me if we are 100% occupancy and you just HAD to come down for the same reason our hotel is full and you can't find a room. Tough shit fuck face. You had your chance to book and you didn't. Sleep in your car.

This is really morbid, but I need to eplain something to you all: Do NOT commit suicide in a hotel. It's a really bad idea. Reasons: 1. Someone has to discover you, and it will probably be the housekeeper. That will damage that person for the rest of their lives. 2. it's messy. The whole room will hve to be replaced, and guess what, the 39.00 you paid will not cover the replacements. 3. You will disturb everyone there. The guests will never get over it, little kids will hear about it, and the people who work at the hotel will never be the same knowing someone died in their hotel. And it is not fair of you to bring your shit into their lives.

Don't: Talk on your cell phone while checking in. Hey you self important asshole, if I wanted to hear you talk i'd attend one of your "oh so important" business meetings. But guess what, I don't. So shut the fuck up and pay attention to what you are doing. You could be chattnig on the phone and I just charged you $150.00 for a $94.00 room, and whoops, you initialed it, so tough shit. HANG UP.

Don't: Presume everything is free. We do send complimentary faxes, but don't assume all hotels do. And ask politely when you need some business work done. If you aren't polite, those "oh so important" business papers might whoops end up in the shredder. Same goes for laundry soap, and postage. Not everything is free.

Ok, so this turned out to be way longer than I expected, but I think it cheered me up and relaxed me. It took me all shift to finish. But I'm glad I did it. I feel better, and hopefully it'll shine some light on how people behave at the hotel, and give you some tips on how to get what you want. You would not believe the shit I get asked on a daily basis. Oh well. Enjoy.